It occurred to Kamui that he had never really had a true crush before. He had admired men, and felt sexually attracted to them before, but never felt a romantic attraction as well. He had never experienced the feeling that simply touching another’s hand could be so mesmerizing. Subaru was attractive, there was no doubt as to that. Those green eyes, and the black hair along with his slender yet masculine build formed a combination Kamui had long admired. But never let his thoughts roam any further than a quiet admiration for the older man’s looks. Just thinking about him made Kamui long to see him again. To test his newfound feelings for Subaru, see if it was true, though he did not see how he could fail to mistake this emotion. He was crushing hard on the Sumeragi…

Kamui finished getting dressed in his generous suite in the Imonoyama mansion and crossed his bedroom to his enormous bathroom. (It was too big for a boy, really.) He washed his face, brushed his teeth, generally went about his toilet … and thoughts of Subaru never left his mind. They had eaten off the same fork … they had sat together in the dark … they had … well he had hugged Subaru. He tried to imagine what Subaru’s reaction to this must have been. Surprise? Certainly. Disgust? No please not disgust … but then again Subaru had hugged Kamui before, so he couldn’t have had much in the way of objections, could he? But that was different, Kamui reminded himself, it was in dreamscape, he did it to get through to me when I was unreachable. And now he admitted to himself that no one else would have been able to get through to him. Returning to his previous thoughts, he decided that Subaru was obviously a kind man, and couldn’t have minded Kamui’s hugging him too much; though he must have been surprised he had reacted well, putting his arms around the boy, and had not pulled away or otherwise expressed distaste for the action. Kamui came to the conclusion that he must simply have been surprised and then just thought that Kamui had needed comfort again.

As Kamui walked down to breakfast he found himself hoping that Subaru would be there. He wanted to see him to find out if there was any awkwardness from the previous night, or if the Sumeragi would simply ignore him entirely as he usually did, pretending that nothing had transpired between them the night before.

Subaru was not there. Kamui felt disappointment at this, but then again he had not really expected to see the Sumeragi, as he rarely took his breakfast with the others, preferring to grab an early bite in the kitchens and then go about his daily business. He was a busy man, Kamui reminded himself. Kamui was glad in a way of the reprieve; this meant he was free to explore his feelings on his own without any added distractions. He didn’t want to demolish his new crush before it had hardly even begun. He felt like this was a feeling to be nurtured, and protected. It was a small, warm secret all to himself.

He sat down at the table, ignoring the other seals present, and helped himself to toast and eggs, and thought on his sexuality. He had had sexual feelings before so these were familiar, though the romantic side of things was un-walked territory and he felt more uncomfortable thinking about it. So as he buttered his toast his mind turned, familiarly, to sex. Kamui had realized some time ago that he was not straight. He had kissed a few girls in his old high school, but had never felt attracted to any of them as he had to men. As he was considered a pretty boy, and squealed over by his classmates, he had never had to pursue a relationship of any kind, letting a few girls drift in and then out of his life. He supposed they found him cold. It was true, he was cold, to them at least, he liked to keep his inner life private, liked his privacy in general, which had made the intrusion of the other seals into his life quite a shock. He had liked the girls enough, they were pretty, sweet, and always well mannered, but none of them had meant anything to him. He looked back, nonetheless, evaluating the experiences he had gained. ... While theoretically pleasant, these kisses had been somewhat lacking. Warm glossed lips pressing briefly to his, the feel of breath on his cheek and lips, and once the wet sensation of his tongue in another mouth. It had seemed good enough at the time, and it had seemed that it was the right thing to do, the expected thing. But missing was this thrill that he felt through his body now, at the thought of Subaru. He mulled over this feeling in his mind as he turned the eggs on his plate, as he chewed on his toast. What would it be like to kiss Subaru? The thought caused a minor explosion inside him ... yes that is definitely what had been missing from his prior experiences. He had known that he was attracted to men before, mostly to older men, boys his own age rarely interested him; they seemed too naive, too silly, crude, or simple. But he had seen (and on occasion masturbated to) pictures of men he found beautiful, faces he had seen on the street, bodies he watched, wherever his hormones took him. But none of these men was anything next to Subaru. He had known that he found the Sumeragi beautiful before, but had removed the older man from his thoughts, not feeling it appropriate, somehow, to so think on a man he knew personally.

Kamui wondered what he should do about his new crush. Should he try to stifle it? Suffer it in secret? Or .. was it possible ... act on it? His fantasies took him away as he continued with breakfast. Kamui had never had to pursue anyone before, the girls he had been briefly involved with had sought him out, made their interest known in small ways, unmistakable ways, ways which Kamui realized, he did not know. He was having trouble with his fantasy because he could not get over how he and Subaru would get together. He had always been like that: pragmatic. He tried envisioning himself sneaking into Subaru's room in the night, like some depraved child crawling into his parent's bed searching for comfort. It didn't work, he just couldn't see himself doing it. Didn't know how he could ever pull it off, where he would find the courage, and most of all he couldn't begin to imagine how Subaru would react to such an intrusion. He tried instead to imagine himself flirting with Subaru. REALLY didn't work in his head. He didn't know how to flirt, it practically ran contrary to his nature. Then he simply gave up and imagined sex. Ashamed, and barely hiding it from the others at the table, he hotly imagined himself under Subaru's naked body, imagined his weight, the soft and hard velveteen of skin against skin. Imagined Subaru staring deeply into his eyes as he raised a hand to stroke his cheek, lowered his head and kissed him. At first, he imagined, it would be closed mouth, and then Subaru's tongue would snake across his lower lip, once, twice, more insistently. He saw himself parting his lips ever so slightly, and Subaru sucking his lower lip between his own lips, sliding his tongue inside Kamui's mouth, meeting his own tongue, twins dueling like the moist erections which now pressed between their bellies.

Kamui's cheeks became hot and he shut down this train of thought before it went too far, he knew better than to think on these sorts of things at the breakfast table.

Part 5

pitas